finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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