I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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