The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
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We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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