around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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