my phone needs a breathalizer
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
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I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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