My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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