Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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