I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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