Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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