Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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