He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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