You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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