A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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