I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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