I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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