What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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