look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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