how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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