his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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