The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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