I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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