No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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