you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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