It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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