Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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