Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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