This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize