I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
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