I'm going to jail i love you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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