I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
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His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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