I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
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you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I deserve this hangover.
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