My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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