Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize