So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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