they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize