Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
His nipple licking is glorious
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