is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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