I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize