i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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