Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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