I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
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Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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