this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
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My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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