You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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