it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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