In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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