Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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