I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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