i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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