I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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