The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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